Greed's Big Change
by BaronOBeefDip
Summary: Weight Gain story! Seeking revenge against Greed, Envy finds a way to ruin his rival's life in the most unusual way....


It was a normal day...well...as normal as it can get in the homunculus household.  
"Wrath, stop jumping on the furniture! Gluttony, don't eat the table!" Pride yelled as he felt another headache quickly forming, "Lust, Sloth...get down here this instant! You've been up there for two hours! Just pick something already! And, just where the hell are Greed and Envy"  
"I'm right here. Don't have a cow." Envy grunted in annoyance as he walked in the door with a sour look on his face.  
Normally, the rest of the homunculi were used to Envy's constant look of annoyance on his face. But, today, things seemed different. It looked as if the shape-shifting homunculus had been pushed too far. Envy snorted in rage as he gave everyone a death-glare and sat in a nearby couch. Meanwhile, both Sloth and Lust had finally come downstairs after spending hours trying to figure out what to wear.  
"What's wrong with you?" Lust asked as she took notice of Envy.  
"What's wrong with me?" the shape-shifting homunculus looked at Lust as if she had a rocket strapped to her back, "I'll tell you what's wrong with me! That no good fluffy-vest wearing bastard stole from my wallet again! He took fifty dollars out of my wallet and acted as if it wasn't his fault in the first place! Man, when I see that cocky son of a bitch, I'll...I'll"  
"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked.  
"No, Gluttony," Sloth explained once again for the thousandth time, "you cannot eat the other homunculi...no matter how much trouble they cause"  
Of course, this response made Gluttony pout for about two seconds before his hunger got the better of him and he resumed eating the table. Wrath had stopped jumping on the bed and was now busy watching cartoons on the TV. Pride merely shook his head. He often wondered why he ever came up with the idea of having all seven sins living in the same house at once. It was a miracle that they hadn't killed each other on the first day of moving into what was once Dante's mansion. Still, it was only natural that they would've moved in after she died.  
"I swear," Envy was still ranting, "sometimes I think that bastard got too big for his vest. Wait...THAT'S IT"  
"What's it?" Greed asked as he walked in the door and noticed Envy's evil smirked, "Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, is this about me taking money from your wallet. Listen, I'll pay ya later"  
"Trust me," the shape-shifting homunculus grinned evilly, "I'll make sure that you do. You'll pay, all right. You...will...pay"  
Quickly rushing towards the computer to make sure no one else got on. Envy quickly logged onto the internet and began searching for something, anything, that would help his evil plan to get revenge on Greed to work. He searched several websites...most of which he never wanted to see again in his life. Humans could be such sick creatures to actually think other people wanted to see such things. An hour passed, and the shape-shifting homunculus still hadn't found what he was looking for. Not only that, but he was growing pissed at the constant pop-ups and fast.  
"Damn ads!" he shouted at the computer, "I don't care if I can win a free Ipod! Go away"  
The more he searched, the more hopeless it seemed. It was as if nobody had what he was looking for. Then, he found it. On an obscure website was the very thing he was looking for. And, to Envy's luck and delight, it could be shipped to him in a matter of days. Without so much as another second wasted, Envy quickly ordered the very thing he was looking for. He couldn't help but laugh maniacally with joy now. Within a couple of days, Envy would give Greed the revenge he deserved for a long...long time. 

For two days, Envy waited patiently for the package to arrive. This was a miracle in itself since Envy was about as patient as a two-year old child. The shape-shifting homunculus often had trouble just sitting still for more than a minute.  
"What's taking so damn long!?" he finally shouted quickly losing any and all patience he had left.  
"Is it food?" Gluttony asked sounding hopeful, "Is it cookies? I like cookies...especially chocolate chip cookies with the fudge center and the little sprinkles on them"  
Envy merely glared at Gluttony which was enough to cause the hungry homunculus to suddenly fall silent and wander off in search of Lust. Meanwhile, Envy resumed waiting and waiting for the package to arrive. Sooner or later, that package would arrive and Envy's plan could finally fall into place. He looked over at Greed and gave an evil smirk at the avaricious homunculus who was now sound asleep on the couch. His left hand on his currently flat and firm stomach and his right hand was hanging limply over the edge. Not only that, but he was snoring...loudly. Typical. If Greed wasn't sleeping all day back home, he was busy at that Devil's Nest bar of his hanging out with his friends and doing who-knows-what.  
The shape-shifting homunculus heard the doorbell rang and quickly rushed to answer it.  
"Is a Mr. Envy here, ma'am?" the mailman at the door asked sounding a bit puzzled at the name and looking very confused at the sight of Envy.  
Envy growled, "I am Envy, and you should call me Sir not Ma'am! Did my package arrive or not"  
"Yes it did," the mailman answered as he handed Envy a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard, "Just sign here and I'll give it to you"  
Grumbling in annoyance, Envy quickly signed the paper and shoved it into the mailman's face. He waited too long for that package and he wasn't going to waste any more time doing so. As soon as the mailman handed him the package, Envy snatched it and slammed the door right in his face.  
"FINALLY!" he shouted, "Revenge is mine"  
Without a moment to lose, Envy ripped apart the package to reveal a small vial containing a bright-orange liquid. He grinned evilly as he held the vial in his hands and then quickly walked over to Greed. The shape-shifting homunculus then climbed onto his stomach and began hopping up and down on it.  
"OOF!" the avaricious homunculus shouted as he felt the wind being knocked out of him, "Envy?! What the hell are you doing"  
"I just thought I'd tell you that I'm sorry about earlier and that I wanted to give you something." Envy replied as he handed Greed the vial, "Don't worry, it's not poison. And, even if it was, it couldn't kill you. Go ahead and drink it. You said you've always wanted immortality, right? Well, that's what that stuff in that in the vial will give you"  
Greed didn't waste a second. Just as Envy predicted, the avaricious homunculus snatched the vial and drank every last drop of it. He hiccuped and burped slightly before grinning sheepishly in a bit of embarrassment. But, within seconds of drinking it, Greed felt very...very nauseous. Not only that, but he felt as if his stomach was on fire.  
"I'll be in the..." he didn't even finish his sentence as he rushed as fast as he could towards the bathroom.  
The sound of retching, gagging, and vomiting could be heard from inside the bathroom as Greed barfed out what was once his breakfast. He was somewhat glad, however, that he didn't throw up any life-giving red stones. Still, that didn't stop him from wondering just what the hell were in that drink. What really bothered him, though, was that his pants were starting to feel very tight around his waist. Greed even felt as if someone had been throwing bags of sand onto him...though he couldn't for the life of him tell why. To make things even odder, the avaricious homunculus felt like he was shrinking, his body was being twisted about as if it were clay, and felt that his tailbone was being stretched out. Just what the hell was happening to him? Whatever it was, he knew that it was Envy's fault.  
After spending what felt like hours, when it had only been fifteen minutes, Greed had finally grown exhausted from vomiting and being in horrible pain that he had collapsed and fallen asleep unaware that he was totally naked. Of course, even this wouldn't of bothered him as much as if he had realized what had happened to him.  
"It's a rat!" Lust's screams were enough to jolt the avaricious homunculus awake.  
What the hell was she talking about? There was no rat in the bathroom. But, before he could protest, Greed had found himself dodging Lust's elongated claw-like nails and had fled the bathroom and dove under his bed. Panting heavily, he was relieved to find out that Lust hadn't given chase and that he was safe...for the moment. When he crawled from under the bed and looked in the mirror, however, it was a wonder he didn't scream in terror himself.  
He had grown fat. Greed had grown very...very fat. That's the first thing he noticed. His once flat and firm stomach was now big, round, and rather squishy to the touch. The next thing he noticed was that he no longer resembled a human in appearance. He, well, he had no idea what he was. All he knew was that he looked like a cross between a squirrel and a monkey. His face was now fox-like in appearance with gray fur peaking out underneath his dark-brown spiky hair along with black rings around his eyes and a pair of white pointy-ears on top of his head along with a black muzzle. Greed's body, although morbidly obese, was smaller now and covered with gray fur with white fur on his large belly. Both his hands and feet were gray as well and, of course, furry. But, what really threw him for a loop was the long black and white ringed-tail that he had tripped over after being so startled by his appearance. Just what the hell had happened to him?

Greed shook his head several times as if trying to wake up from a bad dream. But, this was no nightmare. He had really become a very fat...thing. Boy, when he returned to normal, Greed knew that Envy was going to regret ever doing this in the first place. He quickly began searching through his clothes in hopes that something would fit. Fortunately, he found one of his fluffy-vests that had shrunk no thanks to Wrath's lack of knowledge in doing the laundry. Quickly putting it on, Greed realized it did nothing to help slim down his round form. Still, it was better than him being totally naked...even with fur.  
"I saw the filthy beast go into Greed's room." Lust's voice could be heard from down the hallway, "It was a huge one too"  
Not wanting to be attacked again, Greed quickly ran...erm...waddled back under his bed in the vain hope that no one would find him. But, this would most likely be in vain due to him being stuck and his large rear sticking out from under the bed in plain sight.  
"There it is!" Lust shouted while pointing towards Greed.  
Pride, who had come along with Lust to see what all the commotion was about said, "Lust, that's not a rat. I don't know what the hell it is, but I'm damn sure that it's no rat"  
He then picked up Greed and examined him with a rather serious look on his face.  
"Put me down you stupid bastard!" the avaricious homunculus shouted but...to his surprise...all that came out of his mouth were frantic squeals instead of actual words.  
"Feisty little beast, isn't he?" Pride laughed, "See, Lust, it's no rat. If you ask me, it looks more like some sort of overweight feline rather than a rodent. It probably got in here by accident"  
"Hmm...maybe we should give it to Gluttony. He could use a little snack." Lust mused.  
Naturally, Greed didn't like this idea at all. Sure, he was now a hell of a lot fatter than Gluttony was, despite having shrunk to the size of a cat...but that didn't mean that the hungry homunculus couldn't make a meal out of him. Panic-stricken at the thought of being someone's dinner, he began to squeal frantically and thrash about. He quickly grew tired though, and was now panting heavily. That's when he noticed Envy standing in the doorway.  
"So this is where you've been hiding." the shape-shifting homunculus sneered as he snatched Greed from Pride's hands, "I told you I'd get revenge for you stealing from my wallet. Can't do much now, can you, tubby"  
Greed hissed, "I'm not that fat, am I"  
"Wait a minute..." Pride blinked in confusion, "Do you have any idea what this thing is"  
Envy smirked, "Of course I do. This bloated freak of nature you see here was once...or still is, I suppose you could say, Greed. I did this to him so that he wouldn't be able to steal from us anymore and get away with it. Don't bother feeding him to Gluttony either, that idiot would only get indigestion if he ate a fatter idiot. Think of him as a new pet. And, in case you were wondering what he is...I looked it up online. He's something called a ring-tailed lemur. It's some sort of monkey-like thing from the island of Madagascar"  
The avaricious homunculus growled angrily. Great...not only was he an overweight lemur, but now he was being humiliated in front of his fellow homunculi who were now poking his large belly and all giggling at the sight of him. Oh well, at least things couldn't get any worse.  
"Can I play with him?" Wrath asked as he walked into the room.  
They just got worse.

He was wearing a bonnet. Greed was now wearing a bonnet in Wrath's room and he was tied to a chair. Yup, he was tied to a chair, wearing a bonnet, and in Wrath's room. Something that, quite frankly, didn't sit too well with him. There was that sinking feeling in his gut that something wasn't right. After all, Wrath was so unpredictable that no one, not even Pride, could predict what the hyper homunculus would do next.  
"We're going to play Tea-Party. Ok, Mr. Fluffums?" Wrath asked.  
Mr. Fluffums? Greed rolled his eyes at the new nickname that Wrath had given him. He looked around to see that several dolls were seated next to him and that there was a tea-party set in-front of him as well. What the hell was wrong with this kid? Oh...yeah. Now he remembered. Wrath was psychotic.  
"Would you like some tea, Mr. Fluffums?" Wrath asked pouring the tea...which was actually chocolate milk...into the teacup in-front of Greed before the avaricious homunculus even had a chance to tell him if he wanted any or not, "Nice weather we are having, isn't it"  
Greed didn't respond but instead, not wanting to anger Wrath, began drinking the chocolate milk AKA tea. He quickly realized that it was more like a chocolate syrup with a little bit of milk mixed along with it. Damn, did it taste weird. But, it was a lot better than having the taste of that horrible liquid that he had consumed earlier and that caused him to become an obese lemur.  
"Do you like your tea, Miss Bear?" asked the hyper homunculus.  
Of course, the teddy-bear in question merely flopped over in response. Greed couldn't help but snicker in response from this action. It was just like back at the Devil's Nest when Dorchette drank too much beer and passed out in the same matter as Miss Bear did. And, it was as funny as hell too. But, he quickly noticed the death-glare that Wrath was giving him and quickly resumed drinking what was left of his chocolate milk...erm...tea.  
"This is too rich!" Envy laughed as he watched the whole tea-party.  
Wrath noticed Envy and asked politely, "Do you want to join us"  
Crap...One thing that Envy didn't want to do right now was be a part of the ridiculous tea-party. He was having too much fun watching Greed become more and more humiliated by the second. But, before he could protest, the shape-shifting homunculus had found himself wearing a huge pink bow in his green hair and sitting in-front of the tea-party set.  
"If you so much as think about laughing, I'll tie that tail of yours in a knot and jam it down your throat." Envy hissed angrily.  
The avaricious homunculus remained silent but would vocationally snicker and pretend that he was merely sneezing. He simply loved the sight of Envy with a huge pink bow in his hair and being forced to play Tea-Party with Wrath and several inanimate objects. Still, this also meant that Envy would slowly go insane as well. Something else that, Greed hoped would happen too. But, he quickly realized that it was hard to laugh with ropes digging into his oversized belly.  
"Would you like some tea, Mr. Snuggles?" Wrath smiled a very...very creepy smile.  
Who the hell was Mr. Snuggles? Oh...wait. Envy knew now after Wrath poured some chocolate milk into his tea-cup. He was Mr. Snuggles. He decided to make a mental note to himself right then and there...Keep Wrath away from the sugar.  
While the other two homunculi were distracted, Greed quickly got to work squirming out of the ropes and sneaking out the door. The sooner he was out of that nut house, the better.

Things were quiet...too quiet. Pride didn't like it one bit. Usually, when things were quiet in the homunculus household, it meant something was wrong. And, something was definitely wrong. He could feel it. So, he gathered up all the courage he could and went storming into Wrath's room.  
...And wished he never did.  
"What the hell is going on?" Pride asked in annoyance, "Envy, why do you have a pink bow in your hair"  
"Envy? Who's Envy? I'M MR. SNUGGLES!" Envy shouted before laughing maniacally.  
Wrath grinned sheepishly, "Oops, I guess I put too much sugar in his tea'  
That's when Pride decided it was time he took a long, long...LONG vacation.  
Meanwhile, Greed was enjoying his freedom. Well...enjoying it as well as an obese lemur could. He walked down the empty streets with his tail and his head held high. Nothing could spoil his good mood now. That is...except for rain. And, boy, was it pouring. Greed gave a pissed-off growl before waddling off to find some shelter. Something...anything that would get him out of that damned rain.  
That's when he saw it. The Devil's Nest. His home away from home. Surely, he'd be able to rest there, right? Quickly, he snuck through the door...after getting stuck several times...and climbed onto a nearby chair. The avaricious homunculus moaned in embarrassment when he noticed that his belly took up the entire cushion of the chair.  
Yet, he then couldn't help but notice how good it felt while he was lying on his own bloated stomach. It felt so warm and soft to the touch, and also very squishy. To Greed, it was like having his own built-in pillow. Perhaps being a fat lemur wasn't such a bad thing after all. Yet, his moment of peace was short-lived as he found himself once again lifted into the air by the scruff of his neck. This time...by none other than the bull-chimera Roah.  
"What is it?" Martel asked as she and Dorchette walked into the bar.  
Roah shrugged his broad shoulders, "Don't know. I found him sleeping on the chair"  
"We should probably put him back outside." the snake-chimera suggested, "I don't think Greed would like it if we were to keep any stray animals in here"  
Dorchette sniffed the creature before exclaiming, "THAT THING IS GREED"  
"What the hell?" Roah asked being startled...which was very rare of him, "Dorchette, were you drinking out of the toilet again"  
"No..." the dog-chimera paused for a moment, "...Yes. But, I swear it's the truth. I'd never forget the boss's scent and that thing definitely smells like the boss. And, it's too strong to come from just something that he touched. It's him all right"  
The trio simply stared at Greed in awe and confusion as Roah set him back onto the chair. They had no idea what the hell happened to their leader. But, they didn't really care either. They were freaks as well. Always were...always had been. Never had they turned anyone down in need just because they were different. And, they weren't going to start now.  
"How are we going to change him back?" Martel asked as she began to gently scratch behind Greed's ear causing the obese lemur to start purring.  
Both Roah and Dorchette shrugged their shoulders. Neither one of them knew had any idea how they would turn their boss back to normal. Greed, meanwhile, had fallen asleep in Martel's lap and was curled into a ball like a kitten. Martel herself couldn't help but smile at her overweight boss sleeping peacefully as if he were a baby. Though, oddly enough, she had to admit that he acted like a baby at times as well. She probably couldn't even list every single moment where the avaricious homunculus grew angry or threw a fit for not getting what he wanted.  
Of course, it didn't take long for Martel to realize just how fat Greed had become. She couldn't even see her legs anymore due to them being under the avaricious homunculus's oversized gut. And, she couldn't move or else she would wake him up...which was a bad thing considering how cranky Greed could get if he was woken up too early. So, poor Martel was stuck having to sleep in an uncomfortable position in an old chair until morning came.

Greed couldn't tell if it was still night or if morning had already come. But, this didn't matter to him since he had the habit of sleeping until well into the afternoon. Something that, naturally, Martel wasn't too fond of...especially since he was currently sleeping on her lap. Not only that, but her legs had started to fall asleep. Fortunately for her, the avaricious homunculus had awoken some time earlier and had jumped off of her giving her a moment to heave a sigh of relief.  
Of course, Greed was now hungry and busy searching for something that might be considered edible to fill his now growling stomach.  
"I'm hungry." he whined which came out as a long squeak that caused his friends to stare at him with blank expressions on their faces.  
Oh, that's right. They didn't understand what he was saying. Damn, this was going to be harder than he thought. He could no longer speak in any human language and he highly doubted that they understood what he said. There had to be something he could do to get his point across...but what? Throw a rock at them? That wouldn't work. It would just make them angry and they would just throw him out in the rain...even if he were their boss. His stomach growled once again this time louder and more noticeable. If he didn't do something and fast, he would probably starve. How ironic...an obese lemur starving to death.  
Finding a small bowl lying on the ground, the avaricious homunculus quickly picked it up and began to slam it repeatedly against the ground in the hopes that someone would notice him.  
"What are you doing?" Roah asked as he took notice of his boss, "Oh, I get it"  
Grabbing the bowl, Roah quickly filled it with some fruit. Fruit?!? What the hell? Greed wanted a nice juicy steak with some red wine to drink with it...not fruit. Yet, he could no longer resist his stomach's protests to be filled and began eating the fruit in the bowl. Before he knew it, Greed was stuffing his face like mad causing seeds and gobs of mashed fruit to dribble into the bowl. Who knew fruit could taste so damn good?  
Letting out a rather satisfied...if somewhat embarrassing...belch after devouring all the fruit and leaving nothing behind but a few scraps and seeds, the avaricious homunculus now felt very full and very sleepy. The only thing he wanted right now was to lie on his oversized stomach and sleep. This, then, would naturally be something that was easier said than done. The Devil's Nest would be open soon which meant that people would soon come in and interrupt his sleep. When he was normal, he didn't mind it so much since it gave him a chance to talk to the people and find out about current events. But, now, as an overweight lemur...he dreaded people coming and doing who-knows-what to him. He could always just sneak away and hide in one of the rooms that his chimera friends lived in until the day was over.  
Unfortunately, before he could even begin to escape, one of the customers noticed him.  
"How adorable." a woman, perhaps in her early 40's, picked up Greed and began to squeeze him tightly, "What an adorable animal you have here! He's so chubby and precious"  
Greed shrieked and began to thrash about wildly causing the woman to squeal and drop him onto the ground. There was no way in hell that he was going to be crushed to death by the crazy lady who had left the Devil's Nest complaining about how the place had turned into a zoo. At least he didn't have to worry about things getting any more bizarre than they were already.  
"I'm here to PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY!" Envy shouted like a drunken maniac as he and the other homunculi stepped into the bar...well, Envy flopped down the stairs like a dead fish.  
Shit...There went Greed's hopes for a chance to even relax for a second.  
"Hi, grandma," the shape-shifting homunculus walked up to Dorchette and began to poke him in the head several times, "I see you got rid of that mole on your butt"  
"Um...I'm not your grandma." the dog-chimera gulped nervously while backing away.  
"Don't mind him." Sloth explained while she sat on a nearby stool, "Wrath accidentally put too much sugar in his tea and now he's gone completely nuts. It should wear off in a few hours...I hope"  
Greed merely shrugged his shoulders. He was used to people acting like idiots around here. It was only natural for it to happen. Yet, he also knew that a crazy sugar-rush Envy was more dangerous than a psychotic homicidal Envy. Speaking of which, where was that palm-tree in a skirt?  
"Look at me! I'm a pretty princess"  
How Envy managed to find a hula-skirt and a chicken suit no one would ever know. And, nobody really wanted to know. Greed thought it was hilarious seeing Envy attempt to dance by stumbling about and quickly found himself rolling around on the floor with laughter causing his whole body to shake like jell-o. The others had begun to laugh as well.  
Envy, of course, didn't notice. He was in his own little world.  
"I love singing with the chimpanzees in the spring...for they give me such sweet love and fling poo at me!" Envy sang...off-key, "I want to live with the bears in a caaaaaaaaaaaaaave! But they would tear my face off! Damn...that would huuuuuuuuuurt! Mommy! Give me a band-aid before the penguins eat what's left of my toes! Wait! I'm a fish! I don't have any toes! BOOGERS"  
"Is anybody else's ears bleeding right now?" Dorchette asked as he winced from his sensitive ears being exposed to Envy's horrible singing voice.  
Fortunately for everyone, Envy had passed out and was now lying out-cold on the floor. Greed had stopped laughing and was holding his sides and panting heavily. As for everyone else, they wondered when things would get back to normal...well...as normal as things could get.

When Envy had awoken, the first thing he noticed was that he had one hell of a headache. Damn, what happened to him? Did Gluttony accidentally sit on him again? No...that couldn't be it. If that was the case, then why was he at the Devil's Nest.  
"What happened?" he asked groggily as he looked around.  
"Well," Pride explained, "Wrath accidentally gave you too much sugar which caused you to go insane. And, you're wearing a chicken suit and a hula skirt"  
The shape-shifting homunculus hissed, "I know that"  
He was in no mood for anybody to play stupid right now. Envy knew the other homunculi were hiding something...and he was going to find out what. But how?  
The lemur!  
"What the hell did they do to me?!" the shape-shifting homunculus shouted as he picked up Greed and shook him violently.  
Of course, this only caused Greed to respond by, well, throwing up onto Envy's shirt. Envy made a quick note to himself to never thrash a very full homunculus-turned-overweight-lemur. With that in mind, he proceeded to drop Greed...who landed on his large and furry belly.  
Meanwhile, Gluttony's hunger had gotten the better of him and he was now eating...everything.  
"Lust, this stuff tastes awful..." he complained as he continued to chew on a table leg.  
Lust rolled her eyes and answered, "Then don't eat it"  
The whole commotion seemed to come to a screeching halt when they heard the sound of someone knocking on the door.  
Roah spoke, "I'll go get it"  
He quickly headed out the door and...after a few brief moments of silence...the sound of shouting, punching, kicking, and explosions could be heard. Then, more silence followed by Roah falling down the stairs with a rather large bump on his head.  
Greed bared his teeth and hissed. Nobody hurt his friends and got away with it...even if he was now so damn fluffy and so horribly obese.  
"What happened?" the bull-chimera groaned while rubbing the bump on his head.  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE COULD FIT IN A FLEA'S SHOE"  
That angry shout answered everybody's question as to who was at the door. Their second clue was when the rest of the gang had to use all their strength to hold both Envy and Wrath back. "I'm gonna need a box of aspirin after this." Greed muttered to himself.

Greed quickly learned something very important...ok, maybe not that important. He learned that Edward could run very fast, Envy seriously needed to seek professional help, and that Wrath had the attention-span of a gopher. After chasing Edward for five seconds, the hyper homunculus quickly grew bored and was now doodling all over the walls of the Devils Nest. The avaricious homunculus quickly made a mental not to remind Dorchette to clean up the mess later. Of course, it wasn't Edward that Greed was worried about. It was.  
"KITTY"  
...Alphonse.  
Before Greed could escape, he had found himself in the arms of the walking talking suit of armor. He felt like his life was being squeezed out of him as Alphonse held on tightly to the bloated lemur.  
"Al, put that...whatever that thing is down." Edward commanded as he tried to keep Envy from breaking his arms.  
"But, brother..." Alphonse began to pout...don't ask how metal suits can pout, "He's so cute and fluffy and just look at how round he is"  
Greed growled in protest. He wasn't supposed to be a fat lemur. In all honesty, he wanted to go back to his humanoid shape and have his firm and flat stomach more than anything right now. Ok...maybe not as much as he wanted immortality...but it was still high on the list.  
"Damn it, Fullmetal Shrimp!" Envy shouted as Edward began to pull his hair, "I just spent hours getting the style just right"  
The Fullmetal Alchemist merely growled in response, "I just want to know where Greed is. I loaned some money to him last week and he still hasn't paid me back"  
"Welcome to the club." muttered the shape-shifting homunculus, "Anyway, Greed's over there being crushed to death by your tin-can brother"  
At that moment, Edward quickly realized that Envy was even more insane than he had previously thought...and that lemurs were somehow able to legally run a bar. Meanwhile, Geed had slipped into Alphonse's armor and had gotten stuck. So, it was only natural that he'd do the one thing he could think of at the moment...squeal frantically and thrash about.  
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" the avaricious homunculus squealed which echoed inside of the armor's body.  
Martel sighed as she pulled Greed out of Alphonse. She began to wonder if her boss had lost his mind, but then she remembered that he had always been a little crazy.  
"We really should make something that helps us understand what he's saying." Gluttony pointed out.  
Lust blinked in confusion, "What the hell? Did Gluttony actually say something smart"  
The hungry homunculus stared blankly for a few moments before saying, "I'm hungry"  
"Well," muttered Roah, "that didn't last long"  
And Wrath just happily kept doodling all over the walls blissfully unaware of the chaos happening around him.

"You want me to do what"  
Ed still had trouble believing what he had heard only moments earlier. He was surprised that the homunculi didn't ask him to jump off of a damn cliff or something.  
"We want you to use your alchemy to create some sort of device that can translate Greed's squeals into human speech." Pride explained, "We can't exactly communicate with him as it is"  
"And, this is a bad thing why?" Envy asked in disbelief.  
Greed merely sat on the floor with his hands resting on his large belly and grunting in annoyance. As if he wasn't a bloody lab-rat to begin with in the first place. If that Fullmetal Shrimp came any closer to him...the avaricious homunculus would waste no time ripping off Ed's head and...well...it got kinda messy from there. Yes, Greed had a very twisted mind indeed.  
"I can't do that." Ed tried to explain, "You see, it goes against Equivalent Exchange and"  
"Oh, shut up about that stupid Equivalent Ex...shit!" Wrath sneered angrily.  
"Well, can he type or something?" asked Alphonse, "I mean, he does know how to write, doesn't he"  
Martel nodded, "Yes, he can write...a little. Though, his keyboarding skills leave much to be desired"  
The bloated lemur hissed angrily, "I can type just fine! How else do you explain why I use the Internet for chat rooms and blogs and...whatever else the hell you do with the computer"  
Of course, this only caused everyone else to blink in confusion at Greed. He almost forgot...they couldn't understand him. Of course, he then felt himself being lifted up by Sloth and placed in front of a typewriter. Damn...he needed to get a computer for the Devil's Nest.  
"Go on...try it." Dorchette suggested.  
Envy laughed, "He's probably too stupid to even know what it is"  
This caused Greed to snarl angrily and typed, SCREW YOU! "Well," Edward stared in shock as he tried to cover Alphonse's...um...eyes...or, where his eyes would be, "at least we know he can type to communicate"  
"I wanna see what Greed wrote! I wanna see!" Wrath whined while Lust covered the hyper homunculus's eyes as well.  
"Greed," Sloth asked politely, "Could you please watch your language? There are children here you know"  
FINE. the avaricious homunculus typed in annoyance. He really hated to be bossed around.  
At least now Greed had a way to communicate with everybody.  
That is...until Gluttony decided to eat the typewriter.  
"Now what?" Gluttony asked as he swallowed the last bit of cord that was attached to the typewriter already inside his gut.  
"YOU DIE FAT MAN!" Greed yelled angrily before he began to chase Gluttony all around the bar.  
"Well, what do you know?" the shape-shifting homunculus laughed, "A fat idiot being chased by another fat idiot."


End file.
